It’s weird how one fleeting little thought can change your
whole mood for the night, but more on that later. I’m warning you now: This
blog post will have strong horse content. Those of you that are not interested
in the animals may think I’m crazy, if you already don’t, which I’m sure most
of you do.
I worked at my job at an insurance
company until 5:00 today. I was staring down the barrel of a week of time off
for staycation. I was elated when the clock finally rolled around to five, and
I got out of there. My new apartment is a whopping 3 blocks of backroads away
from my work, so by 5:05 I was home and dragging the mattress off my bed into
the living room. I had been dreaming of lying in there and watching TV, eating
junk food, and not even feeling guilty. I love living so close to work, but my
current horse, Whiskey, moved to Warsaw, and it has been surprisingly tough on
me not getting to see him every day like before.
Speaking of horses, coming up on my
week off is fun night for the rodeo. It is always something I look forward to,
since it is something I always get to do with my bff Sam and other girls that
share my passion for horses. It is also a good time to get the horse warmed up
to being at an event. Sam had mentioned a couple of weeks ago that she wasn’t
sure if she would be there, as her horse had some stuff going on, and she wasn’t
sure if she had to work. I texted her today to see if there were any
developments, and she still hadn’t decided.
I got into bed, and was milling
over ways I could convince her to come, and the mood-changing thought popped
into my head... “I’ll just offer to bring Dewey and she can ride him.” For
anyone who didn’t know, Dewey passed away a few months ago. I was not
necessarily expecting it at that time, but he was not in good shape, and I knew
it was time for him to go when he went down and couldn’t get back up. I got to
say goodbye to my poor old guy, but it was very hard for me to do. At first,
when the thought came, I laughed it off in my head a little. How could I forget
something that I have literally thought about every day since he left me?
I texted Sam to tell her that I was
delusional, and all of a sudden it was like someone turned the faucet on. I
haven’t cried for him since a few days after he passed. I was surprisingly at
peace with his passing, and while it was hard, I was able to let go comfortably
after a few days. It was almost a relief when I lost him, as I worried about
him daily. In his old age he had gotten skinny and ratty. He had declined
pretty quickly. So when the tears came rolling down my face, it caught me off
guard. What had made me cry? As I mentioned, I look at his picture every day at
work, and think of him, but hadn’t felt like this since when he actually
passed.
The more I thought about it, the
more upset I got. It wasn’t just ridiculous that I thought Sam riding him was
an option because he is, you know, not alive, but because he was 27 and in
horrible shape. He wouldn’t have made it 5 minutes at fun night. One thing led
to another and next thing I know I am not just crying a little, but
hysterically crying laying in my bed. I was thinking of all of the negative
things: how bad he looked, how I should have done more to help him, how I wasn’t
able to be there when he was put down, and how I couldn’t even tell you when
the last ride I ever got to take on him was. I realized that all this time, I
have been dwelling on the bad of Dewey’s passing, and have forgotten all the
good.
Dewey and I were never that
harmonious teenage girl and her horse that would do anything for her that you
see in the movies. Not even close. We were the poster children for a love/hate
relationship. I loved him more than I could ever put into words, but his day to
day shenanigans were enough to make me hate him. He pretty much just hated me
all the time unless I was bringing him food, and even then he was skeptical.
When I first got him, he was an angel for about 2 weeks, and then the real
Dewey came out. After about a year, we finally worked through (most of) our
differences, and began to get along (this is a relative term). He still tested
me, and I still got mad at him, but we mostly had each other figured out. He
didn’t do things because I asked him to, he did them because he knew it was
easier than fighting with me, because I would eventually win.
In our trials, Dewey taught me more
than any horse ever could, and tonight I challenged myself to turn my sad tears
into happy ones, and start remembering him in the times that he made me happy,
instead of just remembering how horrible he looked and probably felt.
I loved bringing him to dad’s house
and riding in the fields around there. We would race cars on the highway, and
he always impressed me with his creek crossing skills. He was not a trail
horse, by any means, but we usually got along when we were in the big fields
together.
I loved riding him with Halleigh.
We went to the arena one time, and she was having trouble getting her horse to
cooperate, and Dewey took off in the prettiest, smoothest little collected canter
that he ever did in his whole life probably, and Halleigh asked me how I did
that. I didn’t know. It was all him. We had many eventful rides, with lots of
laughs and fun.
I loved the winter I decided I was
going to teach myself to canter bareback. I didn’t fall off once (though I
almost did about 155 times). He would get to trotting so fast that the cold air
would make my eyes water, and then I couldn’t see, so we would have to stop. I’ll
never forget the first time I got him to break into a canter, and I stuck with
him and stayed on.
I loved how I gave riding lessons
on him, and he was a totally different horse with a kid on his back than he was
with me. He always took such care of any kids I ever let on him. It’s funny how
horses know when they are carrying precious cargo.
I loved how he was deathly afraid
of flags the whole time I had him, and one summer night I decided I was going
to change that. It took a little time, but within a half hour I was riding him
and carrying a flag.
I could go on with this trend for
hours, but I won’t here. He was such an influence on my life, and I don’t know
what I would have done without him. Now I have Whiskey, and am in the works of
getting another mare that will be a project, but I’m crossing my fingers that
she will work out for me. I’ve learned that every horse you get on can teach
you something different, and Dewey taught me a lot more lessons than any
others.
I can only hope that I will see my
old guy again one day. I’m sure if animals do get to heaven, he is fat, slick,
grazing to his heart’s content, and dreading the day I show up again. Until
then I will do my best to hold onto the happy memories, and try to let go of
the bad ones about him. I have had Whiskey over a year, but feel like we are
still getting to know each other, and I am excited to see the things he will
teach me. Maybe in the future I can document everything he has done for me too,
just like this.
Thanks for sticking with me, I know
it’s probably hard to listed to my rambling about horses.
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